The theme from this week’s coaching is being able to say what you have to say in a way that the other person hears you. As I listen to coachees, there is always an uneasiness when we have to say something that we find uncomfortable or say something that we believe will make the other person feel uncomfortable, or perhaps will misunderstand. It is interesting because it doesn’t matter the role you play in an organization. The manager doesn’t want the employee to feel bad in hearing constructive feedback. On the other hand, the employee doesn’t want the manager to hold it against them if he/she provides constructive feedback to the manager.
In one example a manager had to have a conversation with an employee who was not performing when working from home. She literally had to text the employee to ensure assignments were being completed after the project due dates were missed. This particular employee is quite capable because while working in the office, he got the work done effectively and efficiently.
In another example, the individual’s boss was being a micromanager and continued switching priorities so there was too much work to do with nothing having priority. It was hard to keep up with the workload! This employee hadn’t had a conversation with his manager because he didn’t think it would change anything. How many times have you hung on hoping for change?
These situations and many others require preparation, honesty, clarity, negotiation, and agreement. This is where a coach or trusted advisor can be instrumental in having a successful conversation. Role playing with another gives you practice beforehand, and well worth the time spent if this is an important conversation.
In preparing, understand what is going on from your perspective. What are you observing? What needs to be clearer for you? Understand what the real issue is. Sometimes we think it is one thing, and digging down deeper and asking “why” may be helpful in discovering it is really something else.
How is this situation impacting you, the business, those around you? Is the team being impacted by this person not meeting expectations? Is the constant indecision and priority setting creating a high level of stress? Be able to articulate the impact so the other party understands.
Ask for the other person’s perspective. Saying something like, “I have observed that when we are in staff meetings, you are not giving others the opportunity to provide their feedback before cutting them off. Teammates are feeling frustrated by that. I would really like to understand what is going on from your perspective.” And although it is very difficult to remain silent, give the person the opportunity to speak. Because these conversations can be difficult, we often find the need to fill in the empty spaces. Try to refrain unless you are asked a question. At times defenses are raised and I would encourage you to come back to the issue and impact calmly versus making the situation confrontational.
Once you have agreement on what is going on, talk about what you would like to see from the person to change the situation. Be as clear as you can be. Leave the meeting with both parties having the same understanding. It may take some negotiating depending on the situation and what you learn from the other person’s perspective.
Lastly, in addition to being intentional, be authentic, and be thoughtful. The person to whom you are speaking will be appreciative and you will feel better. Win Win!
Read More: First-Time Managers Start Here: Building a Solid Foundation for New and Aspiring Managers by Donna Aldrich
